January 2019 Diary thoughts and do's

Sherbrooke city 2019 was quiet throughout the building, the thin coating of snow still clung onto the roof tops and sidewalks. It seemed like a sleepy suburban town still recuperating from the nights festivities. On the first day of January 2019, I moved my furniture around at 9:30am I was dragging my armoire made of wood, painted black, mirrors in the backdrop and the shelves and doors are made of glass. Up two flights it went with contents still in it and into the other end of my bedroom and took in its place the computer console, and wheeled it down to the spot the art supplies once sat. I hooked up the printer I needed in the console, and removed everything off my desk except the two monitors on either end of this long rectangular white painted table I use as an office desk. Two monitors were required for one company I was doing work for last summer.

 

Now a days I have it mostly hooked up to the desktop when no internet is required and use it for different works needed at the time. I use the laptop for internet work I log on to companies serves when I need. I plug in a larger monitor, to see things bigger; my eyesight isn’t what it used to be even with glasses.  I paid $15.00 for this 17 inch monitor, over Estrie aide. What a lucky find… I went and bought the rubber maid boxes on sale half price, they were larger than I expected, but perfect for storage and replacing all the boxes I have in my bedroom closet. I took a taxi with my 4 containers and two smaller office containers, my grocery shopping and pharmacy stuff, like bags of Epsom salts.

I took a cab and tipped the driver to help me up the stairs. I took out all the boxes in my closet and emptied all Christmas stock into one container and threw out 5 boxes. Marley is having a blast jumping in and hiding in them, as they sit in the front room of the apartment. 

I think I need to carve them into pieces before putting them into recycling box. It is on the list. One of the other container's is to store my garden tools and such, organize my limited space, better, on the balcony. I found 4 flower pots that are designed to sit on top of the railing, would like a couple more.

January 7^th 2019 The bedroom is dark when I first open my eyes, Tuesday I tell myself, I am getting my third week off, the hours that were offered this week were cancelled by the client, I didn’t mind.  The heavy snowfall has covered the slanted Windows blocking the light. I made some lemon, ginger water up and then some coffee and washed last night’s dishes. I sipped on the boiled lemons and ginger that had some honey in it. I have just chopped up some vegetables, and I have added some butter to the pot, I am making soup today. I have moved onto the next project I have in mind to do while the soup is cooking. I picked the perfect knife from the case it sits in, and carved up the biggest box. It filled, almost, half the garbage bag, it had been the Christmas tree box, that for 7 years Marley, has been using it as a scratching post every time she gets into the closet and for 7 years now, I have been duct taping it. Now it lays in pieces, one of the four new containers will be for the tree, its new home, I will wrap the exposed top with material of some kind, the closet is so spacious now. Loving it... I need to get out today, I have a few errands planned and the weather maybe, snowing, but it calls for warming temperatures. Yesterday was a deep freeze of -19c with a feels like -32c

I had recently read that a colleague over at the company, who throws work my way these days, was found dead in his apartment, which suggests so many factors. I can still clearly see his face, the few times a year I’ve visited their offices, whenever he would pass by our section to get to his desk, it was always a smiling, pleasant face to look at. He was a quiet spoken, polite man, starting his age in his 40^th year. Last year my friend and former colleague, she was now on my mind; she moved away years ago, state side. We lost an acquaintance together, that once was a predominant figure in our lives. We have shared memories of baseball games, socializing, dances, bands, karaoke, and pool games. He passed away on his birthday he would have been 60 years old. The private suffering, they must of each felt, living life on survival instincts to heal oneself without uttering a word to the outside world as to how  one truly feels.  They reside in their own hell. As one Sinks deeper and deeper inside their shell, trying in vain to reach the level of numbness that one seeks, to cope with it all, until one can’t handle coping anymore, it’s never ending for some their turmoil and some get used to it as a norm. It all becomes too much of the same old, day in, day out, their private suffering, with no end in sight. 

When there is no hope, no light, only darkness, there is no seeing past the suffering, it so strong a pull. ...Or maybe that was just me.

I remember how it feels, when, there is no hope, no light, only darkness, the minds eye cannot see past it, all the pain. Mine Pandora's box that never closes. Thinking things, like, it would never get better, to only stay in the same old rut. It was such a bleak time... I too contemplated suicide it scared me that those thoughts came into my head, one night while taking a bath, it turned out if wasn't such a relaxing moment; and so I told someone, that I’ve known for like 40 years, who retorted that it was sin. 'A sin', I said, 'I am not religious', I am in trouble, and there is something wrong with me, that's all I knew. 

I may have wanted a magic wand to make it stop and go away, it just doesn't work that way, no one can solve this for you, it has to come from just as deep inside of you, as the giving up part. Needless to say, it was more about being heard, to find the solution that works for me, as you listen to yourself talk, out loud, what I needed was some sounding boards, 'that is what you can do for me.'  I preferred to read and write and work it out for myself, after talking about it, only going round and round, it was becoming redundant. That doesn't mean it works like that way for everyone, some need the support group of other living souls around them, like meetings or one on one therapy. I tried the suggested version a long time ago and found out that I deserved better than their education provided.

… It took a few days, to get the colleague’s face out of my head, as it was a shock… It had brought up the mutual acquaintance that my long time friend and I were once hanging out with, it was a sadden event too, but not so surprising as we knew, he was struggling, with back pain and using pills to mask the pain that drove him to hit harder street drugs and alcohol to manage what he was going through. I do not know if he ever tried to get help, after we all went our separate ways. I know that a few of us did try to reach out but he didn’t want our help or guidance. My buddy and I did some reminiscing of our past years with everyone, when I told her of his passing.  I wonder how my friend is coping after hearing the news; as there was a time where they dated, but for obvious reason he did not turn out to be what she needed, as he was already failing in his own responsibilities towards himself and was becoming more and more, no good for anyone in his condition and couldn’t follow through or be counted on for any commitments.

I have not spoken to my friend on the phone in years; I lost her number a few years back. A few notes here and there on facebook messenger. Not really a proper catch up. Our lives are so different now from those days where there were at least 17 of us, together at one time doing something. Bowling for causes like for the 'Big brothers and sisters' campaign, helping someone move, road trips or just hanging out on warm summer nights on a terrace. Now my friend lives in a new country, and is raising a family and is married. Time is intense, when you are both working parents. The socializing is your immediate environment, with other parents, colleagues and any family members nearby. You don’t realize how fast time goes by and years flow into 'when was that?... oh yeah, I remember now… '
You develop fond spots in your heart for some people who you once palled around with all the time. It’s okay not to stay in contact often, with everyone you once did things with. We are not all in the same stages of life anymore.

I know some people rely on social media for their catch-ups, but it is impossible to do it. You cannot keep track of everyone when you add so many friends or some their friends on to your list, and posting shares seems almost like a waste of time, when there is so many people to keep track of in your news feed that you shut it off. It's impossible to keep up. But that isn’t the reason I decided to un-friend a mass amount of people. I noticed that the things we type, we trigger some kind of algorithm. Example, being a pattern person, I realized this by the research I was doing and every time I type something in google, the articles suddenly appeared on that subject in my new feeds. Any time any of us wrote, words of love and affection, words of affirmations, those self love and friendship vows, it would show up in my news feed even when it was just amongst friends and not public shares. I started paying more attention, and realized that they were gathering info on us and then targeting their wares or articles all geared for me. What tilted everything to that brink, where I only kept a hand full of person’s I knew, who rarely went on facebook; was that I found it offensive that the personal messages I have sent through FB friends messages, have not remained private, have been sold off to other marketing companies looking to find loopholes in targeting me as a future consumer to manipulate. I shut off all marketing and ads. I have removed all the people I know, to remain more private and protect them until I feel secure that they and I won’t be violated, manipulated or brainwashed based on what we write on each others pages or in private. I regularly delete 'my activity', the first time I learnt about doing it, it took me 3 days of deleting all the way back 2009. I turned the 'follow button' on so that strangers can be removed when they ask to friend me, and they can fall back into followers on public posts of mine, if they were really, that interested. I keep my reading group as they and I like to read, and there is no interaction, or comments, not the point of the reading group. I think that it shameful, for what was once a great idea of bringing people together, turned into a conclusion of absolute absurdity and breach of trust. It is back pen and paper, if I have your address, I'll send you a card, thinking of you stuff and brief catch up's, if I have time, in them.  I feel I had to adjust my way of thinking, if I want to keep our private lives, just that private, and share what I am comfortable with and want too. I am sure to see something in my news feed tomorrow, for what I have done today.

January 13^th I am gazing out of my kitchen window, coffee mug in hand, still using the Christmas mugs. The tree is still up, and I am still turning on their lights at night. I started back to work, on few hours a day on Wednesday the 9^th.  So I am still half on vacation, as it is previewed for the same minor attentions again next week. Which frees me up to do other things on my lists.

       

January 15^th I was singing one of my songs, trying to hear the notes as I sang it aloud and not just playing it in my head. I fooled around on my little keyboard piano to see if I could follow along, ah, it was a hit or miss in my attempt. When it finished singing, my mind wandered to an odd place and it had me thinking of how many strangers I must of met at such a young age. 2 and half years of strangers in 7 different foster homes or was it 9 foster homes.  I have the papers somewhere… Anxieties started back then from all the pressure of meeting new faces all the time, and I have been reacting under the pressure of  triggers for a very long time now, that I had to create a safe word. I was described as charming and with bonding issues and deprived. Anyone who paid the smallest attention to me I wouldn’t let them go. I was cute about it, ever the pleaser trying to get them to like me so they wouldn’t leave me or reject me. I have been doing that role for far too long and I am retiring it or trying to. I decided to adopt the motto that it isn’t any of my business what others’ think of me. My safe space...

I can’t help myself though, I feel overwhelming compelled to always ‘try’ to put my best foot forward and smile through it, however, I haven’t always been successful as I fall into the passive aggressive tactic and sullen, when I have to try that hard, that I fail in my attempts to be cordial. But it isn’t easy feeling uneasy around some people their vibe makes it impossible to ignore, so you find yourself bending over backwards at trying to put everyone at ease, mostly yourself, it just damn awkward is what it is, so I resent it, and it shows. I can be dismissive of other peoples’ feelings sometimes, in my attempt to block their energy. I believe your feelings are your own to deal with... I justify this to myself, and you are not my responsibility to find their perspective and closures on whatever issues they are dealing with. I say this, due to the many times you get their transference of their unhappiness thrown in your direction, just because of the bad luck, of being in their space.

    

It’s funny, not in a haha way, how person’s want to make you responsible for how they feel. How they got there and how to resolve it. I know I have done it. I can’t be a scapegoat for anyone anymore. I played that role already many times over and it is all to much, and it too is on the road to retirement or trying to be. How do I want to live the last half of my life? Feeling grateful, peaceful and freed. No more shackles of any kind, holding me back, pinning me down, is the goal. Face the fears head on, not at all an easy feat, nor can it be done all at once, baby steps is absolutely easier said than done. Am I good enough? yes I am. Am I worthy? you bet your socks I am. Where were those words growing up?

January 14^th 2019. I was watching a video on tricks and tips to help children who feel anxious and who worry. I do the deep breathing,  not in a tube with colorful hanging fringes like I just saw. More like an inhale and fill the belly type and slowly release. The worry, is more of a challenge when something bothers me, it plays on like a loop until it gets solved. Once it goes in the loop though, it is almost like it’s driving me crazy, makes me yell out, ‘I know already, leave me alone.  It's like my brain is addicted to these anxiety loops, to trauma, and it isn't at all soothing. It’ll get solved when its meant too’.  Argh… I tell myself... enough already... I cannot get away with silence for long,  I have the radio and or the Bluetooth speaker on when I have to clean, or work on something; CBC talk shows and news and the other plays what mood of music I am in too at the moment. I don’t know, when the loops started playing, but I remember where I was and where I was living when Pandora’s box flew open all at once and man those replays where happening all at once, one after the other, it brought on such physical pain, I am so grateful, I have grown away from all that life altering experience, I am not good with pain, a whiny wimp more like. At night I have to have a play videos of sitcoms on the computer and program it to shut down when the lot chosen is finished playing, by then hopefully I am sleeping.

I may never understand why that happened in that way, I believe now, it was meant that I was ready to learn all sorts of lessons on coping and acceptance on things that cannot ever be.

I remember when I was fourteen years old communicating with an adult, made me feel anxious and disconnected all at once. My mouth was pouring out these words in lightening speed, and my brain never once had a chance to clear any of the words that came pouring out. My ears couldn’t even replay, I spoke so fast, like one long note.  How did I get that way?…I think, I began being anxious since the day I went into the first strangers arms and started my journey being bounced around. Having to deal with adults’ attitudes,  behavior and moods. Follow directions even as I became more and more uncooperative at following them, the little older that I got, I naturally wanted to go a different direction for myself then someone else had planned for me, it turned out to always be a problem amongst adults. They didn’t take it well. They didn’t react well, that I was different in my ideas and direction…

Ever seen a child being loudly yelled at? with words bombarding him, the caretaker has totally lost their cool, and thinks it’s okay to vent their anger as the enormity of their stress level now lives on triggers, easy fired off as they are inexperienced on dealing with all the data they have and hurl it out on an innocent child, who’s shield went up the moment the octave level was on full volume and the words bounced until they came to fast and penetrated in deeper and deeper cutting away their confidence, the eyes sink in and the body shriveled as they try to shrink inside themselves to be unseen. “Can anyone make it stop?” It is one thing to be brave little soldier, the mine field a child has to walk through with caregivers, is never ending with battles. Those kind of caregivers are no better than dog owners who secretly kick their dogs to feel better by picking up the mindset of being in power over the powerless, role. Gets off on watching something suffer, and whimper. Gives them an excuse to dish out some more, as their natural truth spills out. No one stops these kind of people, no one really catches them out. Only karma is meant to solve that problem and even then, they’re so good at covering up for themselves they’ll never see the errors of their ways, it will always be someone else’s fault. Narcissism at it's finest.

Who pays the price for all that toxic behavior? What is a child who lived years like that suppose to do with all negative messaging inputted day in day out? Shattering self esteem, robbing the child of learning about boundaries, self control, self awareness, focus, self confidence, trust, and maturity. All tools needed to deal with the adult world and be one, a contributing one, a healthy one. These kinds of malignant toxic narcissists’ are in every avenue of our lives, their in our Government, their CEO’s, they're Social Workers, Business owners, Management,  all high functioning jobs, all jobs in general, they horn in, find that weak one, that wears vulnerability on their sleeve, with no confidence and no self esteem or self worth. Manipulate them, punish them when they react to the level of manipulation, for forgetting their role of being the puppet and the narcissist pulls the strings. What brings out rage in a narcissist? is if you go against their control and dare to use free will. You didn’t get permission or clearance for thinking, you wait to obey... Everything they do is calculating, then triggered by out of control rage, secretive and behind closed doors they hide their true nature, illness, ego driven, reputation, how the outside world sees them is a mastery manipulation like a magician's slight of hand. . The hard wired ones, they are the more rigid in their control of another, they are so much so, to the point of feeling claustrophobic around them, they suck the air right out of a room. Leaving you confused and in pain is how they get their revenge and control of you.

 Neurosis can be developed from the stress of it all, onto the poor puppet especially if it all starts at a younger age. At 14 years of age I remember running to school, I was let out late from my bedroom, that was locked on the outside. I saw the rows and rows of windows as I jogged along to school, one minute my anxiety was knowing I was late and everyone will know, and then it struck me that they could be watching me, these people with Windows; and it seemed to trigger a huge anxiety in me from knowing this. Some anxiety had already taken root from the narcissist lurking around corners even outside of the house. Reacting negatively for a simple gesture of singing and dancing on the concrete drive way on the side of the house, I am left crying as I held my cheek that stung from her troubles, any kind of noise triggered annoyance and disapproval.  It took years to get over that feeling of being watched, and I am sure in some cases I was being, as a fleeting curiosity, as one does when they observe someone passing by. Most of us are unaware of being observed, and why should it bother us to be so?

January 29^th 2019,  Sherbrooke city’s mountains make an amazing back drop for a sunrise to be resting on. I note this at 6:30 am as it stops me in my tracks beckoning me to look out longer, in awe of it.  I make some coffee in the machine, and think about how the next place I make home would have to make me feel as blessed to be living in it, as this place does. I live in a building that was built in the 1930’s . It has it’s defects, but I‘ve learnt to adapt around them. There’s a crack behind my bedroom wall, so I put two curtains up and used double sided tape and a glue gun, to attach it on the wall, that’s slanted at the start of it, and then drops down, the curtain has heavy magnets on the bottom end. It is perfectly aligned with my bed frame now and the colors blend well with the paint of pale green. So this will block the cold air now,  from the large crack in the wall. I tried to clumsily patch it up so it wouldn’t show and it didn’t take to it well, and split the crack open again. I stopped asking him to fix things. He just doesn’t. This year he says he raising the rent very little or none at all. Let’s see what that means shall we. I figure in 2021 I will have found another place to live that still suits all my needs. I know, it isn’t going to be an easy task, as I have a list that needs to be ticked, before I leave a place I already enjoy but starting to realize as I get older and older I will outgrow, all the flipp'in narrow stairs.  

One thing I am going to have to negotiate now, when this building gets sold, is the access to use the stairs by my bedroom door. They are carpeted and sheltered from the elements of the winter and leads you straight to the street. I want to be allowed that access, the balcony route is far too dangerous at times, those last 22 steps are small, wooden and narrow, they get very icy and it’s a long drop, I have almost slipped twice trying to get down them this year. And did slip once I reached the ground and landed flat out, I didn’t move for a couple of minutes. I took the time to look up at the blue skies peaking out between the snow looking clouds. I had time to think and I hoped my staying down made someone inside that they might notice that we need some sand around this parking lot. You know, I don’t have a car either, why should I truly have to walk that icy drive way?  So I am going to ask and get it in place that I change my in and out door entrance for my own safety. I’m 58 this year, not a spring chicken, my bones will take longer to heal than the young buck underneath me, who isn't always there to clean the snow off the stair case.

The night before I saw and video that expanded on my bathing experience and went and bought some lavender oil at $21.00, a large box of baking soda, and plain Epsom salt. I added 2 cups of Epsom salt , ½ cup of baking soda and 10 drops of lavender oil as the video instructed, it is suppose to  releases all the toxins it claims, and the magnesium from the Epsom salt travels directly into your blood stream. The lavender oil relaxes you and the hot water you run for 20 minutes as you soak, helps you lose weight too. Sounds all good...

The organic/biological sugar are larger in crystals then the cheaper refined white bag of sugar you get for like $3.00. I use a small jar to fill it up with 2 table spoons of sugar and 2 table spoons of olive oil and raw honey. If there is more room I add a little more of everything to fill it up. It is a great facial and scrub and all that oil and honey act as a moisturizer. 

January 30^th 2019 I’ve  taken down my tree, and stored everything away in my bedroom closet. The tree sits in the middle of all the trimmings and covered in an extra curtain. The other two containers hold all the boxes of ornaments with tissues and lights. I swept up the floors containing all the tiny tinsels and synthetic pine needles. I placed back the office desk moving it down some more, so my office chair can wheel over and access what I need in and on the office consort  that leans against the other wall.  The piano board sits inside a moving in and out shelf, I can wheel my chair over and slide it out of the shelf and play, well tinker, when the mood strikes. I have the another moving shelf that the printer sits on. 

 I still have four more boxes to carve up. The balcony is organized in the other container, I covered all the pots in large outdoor plastic cover. I finally took down the bird feeders, they were pooping all over the balcony and the seeds were out of control. A visitor was coming for a viewing, for a possible purchase of this building. So I took the opportunity to clean up my neighbor’s and my own balcony along with the stairs and cleaned up the birds messes. I can’t have them using my balcony as a large bird house, it’s not sanitary.  I decided to see if I can find bird houses for the future, in the meantime, when it doesn’t snow I pour a cup down to the ground of the seeds until spring, when the winter panels come off, then I’ll put the food back up, after the garden has taken shape of course, to be strong enough from the squirrels scratching the top soil for nuts or seeds.

I made for supper that would last four nights, as I cut my portions down a bit. I bought organic/biological pasta, almost $5.00, picked up some Parmesan and Swiss cheese. I am making a cheese sauce with some butter, cream, a little flour and spices of a little salt, pepper, cumin, and cayenne pepper, crushed garlic, parsley.  I’ve got the frozen broccoli, cauliflower, red peppers, corn, and green beans thawing in the black pan, and I add butter, onions and mushrooms in cooking time.  I added the pasta, veggies and covered it in cheese sauce and topped it with chopped tomatoes and avocado pieces. It’s delicious.

February 15th 2019, has fallen snow all the time now, there was so much snow that it glued itself on to my windows like a splatter of canned snow, that we used to spray on our windows at Christmas time, when I was kid. I haven't seen that stuff around in years, it possible they don't make snow cans anymore. Mostly definitely not good for the environment. The outside window sills lay thick with snow at least a few inches high. The temperatures plummeted to the severe  -30c and the feel like '-43c'. There was a period there where I didn't go out and ordered take out a few time because of the cold weather.

I ordered fish and chips one night, from Mikes, so that I could feed Marley, some of the cod fish, as her dry food, for her, wasn't cutting it and I ran out of stock for her too. When the weather turned, a couple days later to a reasonable temperature, I hopped in a cab and went and did a big shop for us. 

February 28th 2019 I am listening to CBC radio on how companies are targeting everyone using facebook by the things they type in their search engines and social media accounts in what they write,  and they are finding out our patterns of behavior, on line tracking us and basically our info is being sold, in order to target us, through manipulation and consumer sales. I can't sign petitions anymore, I get spam mail sent to my home address.  So my conclusion back in December, is accurate. Not as educated as the person letting us all know about it. Never the less, very real.

Narcissism, we all possess, a little of that, 'it's all about me', moments. 'Listen to me, here's my opinion, (whether you want it or not) and why didn't you tell me? why didn't you do what I told you to do? It's because of you I feel this way or said that or did that. this is your fault. In other words drawing the conversation always on to themselves, even gas lighting anyone around them, gives them the attention they feed on.  It never about listening...  Every person I have ever encountered, made friends with or have been acquainted with, have all had their moments, where everything was about them and what they are going through or what they want over any one else and many of us have fallen trap to it and cow tailed to their moods. Even I have behaved badly, and I too have to gone through some of the giving end even been the offender. Some of us have severer tendencies, especially if they have been drinking, drugs, to be so self centered and demanding. Some just come by it naturally, it's an illness for some, malignant, it so extreme, a personality disorder. I am classified as a narcissistic flea, a survivor of malignant narcissism by my adoptive care giver, where I felt love towards all members in the family, but was shown hatred in its rarest form for my very soul's existence. My learned behavior, developed coping mechanisms, all can work against recovery, until I paid attention to it.  I have empathy, compassion and guilt, even remorse, I am not an extreme, mentally ill case. Although I have plenty of times felt mentally ill, it is just two different things. I am self aware. It's hard to stay grounded when you are not self aware, just running around reacting to everything, oh boy those were fun days...I was problematic, somewhere along the way I got a handle on most of it. Sometimes old habits creep in and the next thing you know you are making it about yourself, interjecting in a conversation, when you should be just listening, like I caught myself doing the other day, with a friend on the phone who was explaining something that they had gone through for a year now, that I was unaware about and I heard myself exclaim ' you've been going through this for a year and never told me?' The friend stopped talking, and I heard myself apologize, 'so sorry, I had a narcissistic moment, where I made it about me.'...   I was taken a back, by surprise, 'sorry go on'... Communication can be hit or miss sometimes, and sometimes I fail both of us in that  one moment. I am still learning to think things through before I speak. I am for such an off the cuff individual, still surprisingly reacting.

March 4 2019, the snow is falling, again, but it looks like a snow globe effect when you look out the large window like I just have. The tree tops swaying, winter is having a hard time leaving.  I went out earlier in the morning and paid off a bill and picked up coffee beans and some fruit. I heard the CBC radio, as I was making coffee, talking about the Michael Jackson, the documentary that is out. I briefly saw the Opray interview, with the victims. I heard two speak, they looked sincere. I can't bring myself to watch, the man who moved me musically through the 70's, 80's and so on. His artistic genius, to be side lined, shelved for some, as it will be. It may or may not be so, that in private he crossed the line. I have to say, I am not ready to know the truth, and I hardly doubt that I can be swayed into watching it, unless there is an actual video of that very shame, I can't bring myself to believe he would do this to a vulnerable person, when he himself has been vulnerable, manipulated and a victim within his own life time. But there it is, out there, they say he did... I admit, I want to be in denial, a little bit longer...

I read an article over this past weekend, how Kind Edward the V111, the brother who abdicated the thrown, had done so with more than just love in heart, for Mrs. Simpson. He had behind the scenes, of two know love affairs, one with a soldier and one with his secretary. Both men... The secretary had written the encounters down and it was only to be released after they'd passed away. It may be true, I have no way of knowing, but it is suggesting a different life style all together, than that famous romance, it is true what he was doing and feeling which was very unacceptable back then and closeted.  What a shame he couldn't live as his true self... I wonder if in today's society, would a Royal admit to being gay? Probably not..yet

The black birds are back, I had wondered about them, I haven't seen them all year. I am fascinated by how they sit on the tops of the trees, watching them all arrive in droves, covering all three tree tops so close to each other, the sky is buzzing with the sunset in the back ground and black wings flapping back and forth. Unfortunately my camera isn't capable of doing this scene justice... The rental renewal is done, for once there is no rent increase. That is a fantastic break, one in my whole life of paying rent, have never experienced before. Alleluia, that's a blessing, Thank you, a thousand times, thank you.

Well, that is it for now, until next time, stay active, kind and true to your self.
Cheers

xo